[Originally posted in 1996ish, on http://www.lore.com/~scriven/, recovered here from the Wayback Machine.]
A friend of mine, Scott Tadman has always hated my .sig files, and this newest one:
URL = http://www.lore.com/~scriven/ *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
has caused him no end of grief and heartache.
He has decided to fight back, to try and get me to fix/change the .sig to something more acceptable and appealing, and so the saga begins…
Parte the Firste
>*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What exactly is the *+*+… operator? Some kind of encoded message? Something from Perl 5? Explain, or toss it from your .sig. A suitable explanation might be:
–begin–
Disclaimer: The previous line (the Line) contains symbols known to perform
mathematical operations in most programming languages. Inclusion of this line
in any program is not allowed, except in those States, countries, or cultures
where this kind of limitation is not allowed or is deemed morally responsible.
Use, duplication, distribution or disclosure of this Line is subject to arbitrary restrictions set out in subparagraphs (v) through (ax) of the Commercial Applications of Signature Material and Related Elements clause of MMX 42.911-007 when applicable, or in subsection (f)(i)(0x56) of the Rights to Signature Subsets Reference Document Standard published by the NNA in their semi-annual Supplicant Supplement available only at Government Warehouse Document Storage and Destruction in Bristol, UK.
You may not download or otherwise export or reexport this Line or any underlying elements or connotations except in full compliance with all United States, Canadian, Swedish and Tonganese applicable laws and regulations. In particular, but without limitation of an incomplete kind, none of this Line may be transmitted to (i) any resident of Belgium, French Polynesia, Tibet or Quebec or (ii) anyone on the INTERPOL’s list of suspected C64 users. By letting the characters composing the Line be transmitted from system RAM to display RAM you agree to the foregoing and you are representing that you are not located in, or are within rubber chicken tossing distance of any such country, nor are on any such list, should one actually exist.
ADAM SCRIVEN MAKES NO REPRESENTATIONS ABOUT THE SUITABILITY OF THIS LINE FOR ANY PURPOSE. THIS LINE IS PROVIDED ‘AS IS’ WITHOUT EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING WARRANTIES OF FITNESS FOR ANY PROGRAMMING PURPOSE OR OTHERWISE. THIS LINE IS PROVIDED GRATUITOUSLY, AND ACCORDINGLY, ADAM SCRIVEN SHALL NOT BE HELD LIABLE UNDER ANY THEORY FOR ANY DAMAGES SUFFERED BY YOU, ANY PROGRAMMER, RELATIVE, COUSIN, GRANDMOTHER, OR SMALL FURRY NON-HUMAN COMPANION. ADAM SCRIVEN WILL NOT SUPPORT THIS LINE AND WILL NOT ISSUE ANY UPDATES TO IT UNTIL BECOMING SUFFICIENTLY BORED WITH IT SO AS TO BE DRIVEN TO REPLACE IT.
Adam Scriven, the Line, “*+*+*+*+” and all variations and permutations are trademarks of Adam Scriven because a runaway Perl program did it automatically while unattended for three days.
Copyright © 1995,1996 Adam Scriven. All rights reserved.
–end–
All that was generated automatically by &MakeBullshitDisclaimer; in lawyer.pl. Isn’t Perl 5 amazing?
After I got this, I laughed for a while, but continued to use the .sig.
Scott
didn’t give up, and so, the saga continues…
Parte Deux
,-----------.
| Ditch Me! |
| __________'
|/
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
--begin new.sig-- -- <!-- Adam Scriven, Professional Support Person/Stuntman/Trekker-For-Life -- -- scriven@lore.com, scriven@inforamp.net, yu106772@yorku.ca, blah.etc --> --end--
--begin new.2.sig-- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ | # Start | <- Click here for pain and suffering. 12:01PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ --end--
--begin new.3.sig-- >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> || Adam "A Good Had Was Timed By All" Scriven || scriven@lore.com || |:o)>- || <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< --end--
The preceeding SIGs were brought to you by the letters “C”,”L”,”U”, and “E” and the number 4. Special accomodations provided by “U”.
When I started working at InfoRamp/iSTAR, all the support staff were told to use a standard issue .sig file:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Adam S - InfoRamp/iSTAR, (416) 363-9100 (800) 429-5656 staff@inforamp.net Have you checked our SUPER help data base yet? Just click on the SuperHelpMan on our homepage. Do you know about our newsgroups...? inforamp.support - for support related questions, and inforamp.donut-shop - for general Internet discussions Do you know about our "message of the day" web page...? http://www.inforamp.net/ and click on <message of the day>. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And of course, Scott HAD to complain…
Part Three
Looks like your .sig got hit by a bus. It’s all big and flat and full of gravel.
Is this standard issue, or is this an available target?
Like I care. Here goes:
<RANT HREF="http://www.lore.com/~scriven/htdocs/signature.frame.shtml">
What the heck is it for? Spamming anyone who needs support such that they don’t call back for a few weeks (while they wait for Eudora to download the .sig)?
<SCREAM>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!</SCREAM>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Frank" at InfoRamp/i*STAR (416)363-9100 (800)429-5656 staff@inforamp.net ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Quick Tip: Have you checked our SUPER help data base yet? Just click on the SuperHelpMan on our homepage. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OR…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Frank" at InfoRamp/i*STAR (416)363-9100 (800)429-5656 staff@inforamp.net ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Quick Tip: Do you know about our newsgroups...? inforamp.support - for support related questions inforamp.donut-shop - for general Internet discussions ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OR…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Frank" at InfoRamp/i*STAR (416)363-9100 (800)429-5656 staff@inforamp.net ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Quick Tip: Do you know about our "message of the day" web page...? http://www.inforamp.net/ and click on . ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
OR…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Frank" at InfoRamp/i*STAR (416)363-9100 (800)429-5656 staff@inforamp.net ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Quick Tip: Did you know that you could be a clueless newbie? `telnet 127.0.0.1' to find out ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I mean really. Remember, in the immortal words of Scott Adams (world famous creator of Dilbert) “Bob, it’s not good to read them all at once, you know.” There could be more in the future too.
So what does this mean?
It’s time for your .sig rotation program. There’s a few for Windows, but the surprising news is that they’re all 3MB since they contain the largest tag-line collection in the world.
If you don’t fix your .sig, I’ll have to say…”Don’t worry about his e-mail. His employer dresses him funny.”
[/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\] [\] "Hello, My Name Is Adam Scriven" My T-3 is faster than your modem. [/] [/] "The CIA shot my dog and took my car. Go figure" - Albert Torbus [\] [\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/][\][/]
</RANT>
And the ranting continued in another message…
Part Three, Continued…
> > [Big ugly .sig] > > Is this standard issue, or is this an available target? > > Standard Issue.
You can’t parade around with that thing on. What will your parents think?
Besides, here’s an improved version:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Adam S - InfoRamp/iSTAR, (416) 363-9100 (800) 429-5656 staff@inforamp.net Have you checked our SUPER help data base yet? Just click on the SuperHelpMan on our homepage. Hint: Look for the man in tights with a large balloon caption. Do you know about our newsgroups...? inforamp.support - for support related questions, and inforamp.donut-shop - for general Internet discussions alt.sex.fetish.diapers - for uncontrollable urges Do you know about our "message of the day" web page...? http://www.the-list.com/, find InfoRamp, and click on . Did you know you need a modem to connect to i*STAR? Did you know about the Dial-Up Scripting tool in Windows 95? It can log you in automatically so you can forget your password. Did you know that you can get faster technical support if you date one of the support representatives? Supplies are limited. Call now. Have you ever read the manual that came with your computer? Did you know that you can actually participate in newsgroup discussions? Did you know that you can create your own newsgroups? Try creating an alt.fan group for yourself and see all kinds of nice messages about you. Did you know that posting "****MAKE MONEY FAST****" can get you into a lot of trouble? Did you know that they are usually full of lies? Did you know that falling asleep on your keyboard is bad for your forhead? When you can't focus on the screen, or you start seeing two of them, it is usually a good time to sign off. Did you know that facing i*STAR while connected makes your file transfers go faster? i*STAR is located near the CN Tower. Did you know about the i*STAR Comic Relief line? To liven up an otherwise dull day, you can listen in on a selected tech support call in progress. Look for i*STAR's "The Best of the Clueless Newbies" album in stores this fall. Did you know that recovering from IRC and USENET addition is an easy twelve step process? There is even a FAQ. Are you having trouble figuring out what the whole point of the Internet is? You may have found the answer. Did you know that having a "signature" longer than five lines is considered inconsiderate? It should be brief and contain only the most important of information. Postal addresses, family trees, small Perl programs, and ASCII art of pets or relatives is highly discouraged and is often the subject of ridicule. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like the licence plate:
/--------\
| CLU 4U |
\--------/
Have a .sig day.
Well, I’m getting tired of being slagged, and the InfoRamp .signature IS kindof extreme, so…
The Saga goes Forth
Adam joins the fray!
<DISCLAIMER>
This is a standard issue
InfoRamp/iSTAR
.signature file.
I make no claims as to it’s politeness, usefullness, general lack of
clue, or anything to do with it. I have just been told to use it by
the powers that be, and since they also sign the cheques, I’m listening
to them.
Use of this .signature file by me in any context, and in any form does
not imply a loss of clue on my part, nor does it imply a willingness
to use the .signature file over and above the implication that I want
to get paid.
</DISCLAIMER>